| i'm over here tonite. my internal stirrings are driving me mad...that
paranoia is back and it scares me. i have to be controlled. i have to
be. i want to be.
sometimes i feel like i am the only living organism in the sea...i am
treading--barely able to keep my head above the swells. i kick. i
paddle. and in the end i become bloated and full of salt water; i float
face down--dead--my eyes still open and panning the sea floor looking
for those tiny puzzle pieces that i could never put together.
i am dead. and the last thought i had resided in my insecurities, not
my accomplishments. i realized in the moment my heart stopped beating
that i wanted to mean something so badly------and i just couldn't do it.
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| i actually have this book. it's where i get some of my crazy ideas.
i was absolutely, head over heels, unable to breathe in love once. it was amazing. he was perfect in every way, and perfect for me. he was the first person to ever in my life realize my intelligence. he got my sense of humor. he was brilliant, and motivated, and driven, and steady. god i miss him sometimes.
the thing is, i guess, is that this kind of love can't be real. it can't last. the passion is an elixir...a drug...you have to smell the person's clothes when they leave because you can't stand the withdrawal caused by their absence. you need their scent. but when you are in this euphoria laced canyon, you can't know what waits for you...or how you will respond when it finally arrives.
for several years i thought that this was my only real chance at love ever. i might still be right about this. i know i will meet people and have relationships with some of them, but it can't ever be like that again. it doesn't exist. but tonite i miss the hope i used to have...the dreams i used to allow myself to dream...because now i hide behind dark, mossy mounds of distrust...and no one gets to see the real me. |
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| holyshitbatman!
guess what i found out?
cops and teachers are exactly the same animal. exactly. fear-laden militants who try to control everything and have control over nothing.
"do this!"
--why?
"because i said so!"
--no.
"you will, or you're going down. i always win."
why would anyone be a cop? because you're interested in the american system of laws and conformity? because you like power? because you didn't understand math and you can't write very well?
or because you like to beat people into submission and assault the weak with billy clubs.
"this is S.A. Teele. i need backup."
20 cops now arrive because 20 cops to do anything is completely necessary.
--how many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
20. |
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| fish out of water...
i've intruded.
i fanned out today and clicked everywhere...erratically...nervously...
one xanga to another to another...
i ended up in places i don't think i should be. i don't think i should know you this way. and i know i don't want you to know me this way...
go forward...be teens...fight...argue...ponder...explore the depths of your emotions...find yourselves...
i'm sorry i infringed on this...adults, and most certainly teachers, should be banned from your hallowed ground... however, i'm glad i know this...and i'm glad you're all doing this...
you are free of me...
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